Why does he do that chapters

The author quotes little research and little papers. Even his long-standing experience, unluckily, is not backed by much quantitative research. For example, Lundy says:. Great Overview of Abuse A really, really great book to understand the phenomenon of abuse and the mentality and psychology of abusive men. Much Needed Abuse Wisdom Lundy does a great job in dismantling some persisting myths about abuse.

Society really needs this. Deep Psychological Wisdom Really, really deep psychological wisdom. Like for example men who are annoyed by their woman being the center of attention because they see their partner as being supportive cast for them.

Or even deeper, that many abusive men prefer younger or less experienced or vulnerable women because they can dominate more easily.

This book is a must read for anyone who wants to understand not just the psychology of abusive men, but psychology in general. Indeed some of these traits, albeit at a much smaller scale, also drive some otherwise non abusive men.

Like power-hungry men , for example. Username or Email Address. Remember Me. She really wants you. If you just persist long enough she'll give in and you'll both be happy, and everything in her life will be better for doing what you wanted her to do. That is what some men imagine is happening in their mind, but in reality when a woman tells you to take a hike, she actually means it.

I never would have thought much about the message this sends to young boys before, but now I do. What sort of society do we live in that this kind of entertainment is on prime time TV and no one objects? What's the next step - does the woman say no a hundred times until her rapes her, and then she's happy and successful?

It's really not that far of a leap. Dang it. I always like to think that everyone else is happy and content and loving in their own homes. I now can't pretend that anymore - not even about the family that looks perfect. I also have to stop subconciously judging women in bad relationships, assuming that they did something dumb that put themselves in them in the first place.

I don't know if this would be the most interesting read if you didn't have a specific abusive man in your life that you wanted to learn more about, but it turned out to be one of the most fascinating and eye opening books I've read in a long time.

May 24, Tozette rated it liked it Recommends it for: readers with an interest in domestic violence, criminality or victimology. An interesting read that resonates strongly with some of my own experiences. The author of this book has experience in running assorted workshops and prison-mandated programs for men who abuse their wives or girlfriends, so a lot of it is anecdotal and casual, and should of course be taken with a grain of salt.

The writing style is a little simplistic in places, which makes it feel condescending - despite assertions that the abuse of women by male partners as an overwhelming majority of domestic An interesting read that resonates strongly with some of my own experiences. The writing style is a little simplistic in places, which makes it feel condescending - despite assertions that the abuse of women by male partners as an overwhelming majority of domestic abuse is is a result of cultural attitudes, Bancroft is himself ironically kind of tongue-clucking and paternalistic occasionally.

However, despite its broadly unscientific writing, I think the book actually has some insights really worth thinking about: the focus on the abuser rather than the abused is a really excellent change from many of these sorts of texts - a lot of the time you end up reading about the victims involved and you don't receive any mental pressure to think about the perpetrator.

By focusing on the abusers in these relationships, Bancroft places greater value on accountability. This is something that western culture could probably learn a lot from as a whole. Just sayin'. I think it is interesting for having been written by a male-identifying person rather than a woman, which is usually the perspective I have read from when reading about domestic abuse.

It was also interesting for me because a lot of the behaviours Bancroft is describing are extremely recognisable. There is, sadly, only a very small section on same-sex partner abuse. I would like to read more about this sometime just because I feel like in homosexual relationships there should be less emphasis on gendered roles.

I would have appreciated reading more about people's experiences with how certain attitudes bred abuse outside of heteronormative society. Feb 28, Gabriel Avocado rated it it was amazing Shelves: feminism-women-misogyny , peronal-favorites , psychology.

Nov 16, Melissa rated it it was amazing Shelves: books-i-recommend , i-sing-this-books-praises. All right, I picked this book up for one reason, and want to recommend it for so many other reasons than what led me to it! This is obviously not light fare.

And you might not even think you need to read this book because you don't know any angry and controlling men though I bet you do. If you see the word "abuse" in the first chapters and think, "what so-and-so does is not actually 'abuse' so this isn't relevant to me," don't let that stop you, read it anyway! All the way through to the end. This book is now something I'm going to talk about in the future at random times, I'm sure. It has gone on my list of books my kids will have to read in high school before they leave my house.

I've always wondered how the men I know that are like this pull the wool over the smart, capable women who fall for them and stay with them as they are. I now have insight into that. The author has a chapter of red flags that are subtle, but you can pick up on when a man like this starts a relationship.

They did not feel gratuitous despite them being the harshest of the curse words, though of course they make you wince--as they should. If you are concerned about that in handing this to an older teen, read it and cross them out if you must. But don't let that keep such vital info from her. I would have felt better equipped dating to avoid what I wanted to avoid in picking a life partner way back when. Thankfully, I did avoid the type of man I wanted to avoid, but still, this book would have helped.

I did not pick this book up to minister to me, but it did. And so I recommend it to people I know that have ever faced abuse in the past. Long story short, I grew up with the kind of man that this book is written about.

I often hear after sharing my story, "how are you so well adjusted? This book may be aimed at women in abusive relationships, but it was a balm to my soul and insightful to my life on what actually happened to me as a child nearly cried in the chapter that addressed children because there were parts that were my life , the book helped encourage me to no longer feel any guilt from certain family members for my current life decisions in regard to interacting with certain men in my family, plus the ability to put into words and make sense of what happened, and I hope it will help me empower others who find themselves in situations like this.

Coupled with my life experiences AND this book, I feel more able to make a difference. The entirety of what this author wrote in regard to my situation rang true, so I'm sure the parts I'm less familiar with are just as solid.

I also feel more able to deal with those members of my family that are men like this instead of just trying to avoid them I still have to see some of these men-they're blood relatives or how to deal with my family members that defend them.

The author's insight that he gained through leading men in abuser counseling was the missing piece to my understanding of what I went through--a very freeing feeling. I now see what I could have done in the past better in response to things, but I don't feel guilty for it--all fault is on them, but I now know what I can do in future situations better. If you've been in an abusive situation and even if it's done and over and you've built a life apart from that, you may find this book still extremely useful for your own understanding of what you experienced.

I'd also recommend this to any in the church that deal with dating teens or married couples to be prepared to help when necessary or who volunteer in any sort of support group, dealing with kids in any capacity, and even therapists who've not been taught specifically how to deal with an abuser. Even if you haven't been in an abusive situation, don't know anyone in an abusive situation, don't have children in the dating scene, I'd still recommend you read this book. You might be able to see why that relationship of your coworker feels "wrong" but you just can't stay why.

You may be encouraged to volunteer to help where there is so desperate a need to help. You may be the one who can pick up on where some man is being fed wrong cultural ideas or having them reinforced that may lead him down a destructive path and you can be a part of guiding him to see things the right way. You may realize, you've been wrong about some of your own thinking in regard to others' situations.

This is just an all around necessary book that I think should be on everyone's shelf and not just there to collect dust. There's a reason it's a bestseller. The author has greatly expanded my understanding of abusive men.

I have believed many myths! I thought men who abuse their loved ones must be mentally unstable or traumatised. However, it is not the case — most of them are mentally healthy, were not abused as kids nor mistreated in other ways throughout their life, nor is it low self-esteem or alcohol that causes it. Author lists the types of men who tend to be abusive. However, the book contains limitations. It could have been half shorter and I expected more scientifically based evidence.

Oct 10, Melissa rated it really liked it Shelves: self-help. Even if your abuser is not a physical abuser, this book still helps greatly. It should be noted that this book can be helpful for all situations where abuse is involved, even if it isn't an intimate relationship. As a precursor, this is about abusive me Out of all the books I've been reading on the subject, Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That has probably been the best of them.

As a precursor, this is about abusive men mainly. That's not to say women aren't abusive too, this just doesn't happen to be a book written on that topic. It could also to a smaller extent be applied to lesbian relationships as well.

Bancroft splits it into several parts. The first part covers the nature of abusive thinking and the most helpful part of this section is identifying the types of abusive men. Bancroft takes care to explain that a man may not be one certain type, but rather can be a mix of several. I especially like how he explained the actions of each type. The next section is the Abusive Man in Relationships and it helps explain how the abuse begins, how it effects everyday life, and what happens when you break up.

The third part is the Abusive Man in the World and it shows how they interact with the legal system, gain allies to their side, and how they are as parents. The last part of the book is Changing the Abusive Man and don't be fooled by the title. While there are a few rare cases that the abusive man changes, it is not highly likely and this chapter will only be helpful to a few. Bancroft finishes off the book with a listing of resources for people in abusive relationships.

This book was much better than the others because it doesn't focus on blaming the victim. It acknowledges that these abusive actions are never acceptable and tries to explain how it happens and gives validation to those experiencing it. And there are parts that some people can skip over. If you don't have children, the abusers as parents won't be relevant to you.

If your abuser fails to see that anything is wrong or blames everything on you, you probably won't find the part on changing the abusive man helpful. And it is ok to skip those sections. This book should be used to focus on the relevant areas to your situation and to help with those. A compassionate book with a lot of information, this one should be a go to book before all the others on this topic. Reynard View all 4 comments. May 28, Stanley Hall rated it it was amazing.

I have read a lot of books on psychological abuse and domestic violence but this is the best! I was hooked from the Introduction. The author has decades of experience working with battering males, and he leaves them no excuses.

I love chapter 2 where it shatters all the myths of why people abuse. Chapter 3 explains the abusive mentality that is essentially summed up by "entitlement".

The chapters just keep getting better too. One of the best points from this book is when it points out that anytim I have read a lot of books on psychological abuse and domestic violence but this is the best! One of the best points from this book is when it points out that anytime someone says they are out of control there is some point at which the person can identify when they chose to get out of control. At some point they felt pushed over the edge and gave themselves permission.

I am excited to finish the book and then reread it. I have continued reading this book slowly, digesting it carefully. Every page is amazing! Now that I work in a domestic violence center the information is invaluable. The other counselors are amazed by the insights I share, I tell them it's from this book. Jul 06, Jenn rated it it was amazing Shelves: feminism , social-sciences , ebook , professional-reading , nonfiction. I think this book should be required reading for everyone.

Even if you are not an abuse survivor or know an abuse survivor you probably do , Bancroft does an amazing job of breaking down the abusive mindset and explaining why it's unlikely they will change. I was enraged by a lot of things in this book the chapters on the effects of spousal abuse on children and abused women dealing with the legal system were particularly difficult for me to read but it made me realize that if I'm that angry I think this book should be required reading for everyone.

I was enraged by a lot of things in this book the chapters on the effects of spousal abuse on children and abused women dealing with the legal system were particularly difficult for me to read but it made me realize that if I'm that angry about how things are, I need to do something to change things. The final chapter is full of tips on how to help do that. One thing that really struck me from this book is that abuse is a microcosm of oppression--what the abuser does is the same thing oppressors do, only on a smaller scale.

That means his book has real implications for anyone involved in any kind of social justice movement. So, go read it. Oct 29, Lucy rated it it was amazing.

This book It's fantastic. It helped me a lot, pretty much became my bible for a while. It offers a better look into the mindset of abusers than anything else I've encountered. Would I recommend it? A consummate YES. If you are being, or have ever been, abused by a partner emotionally, physically or sexually , read this book. They think that they are more important than their partners, and this is the heart of why they abuse them.

Abusive men often deflect blame onto their partners or get angry in order to distract from the fact that they feel entitled to control their partners.

There are many different types of abusers. Some men, like Mr. Sensitive, can be very good at expressing their feelings and appear to be sympathetic to women in general. Abusive men are not interested in a relationship that is based on respect and equity.

They might try to excuse their abuse by blaming it on something else, like an addiction or childhood trauma. In this groundbreaking bestseller, Lundy Bancroft—a counselor who specializes in working with abusive men—uses his knowledge about how abusers think to help women recognize when they are being controlled or devalued, and to find ways to get free of an abusive relationship.

He says he loves you. So…why does he do that? Now you have the chance to see inside the minds of angry and controlling men—and change your life. Women who are armed with the insights found in these pages will be on the road to recovering control of their lives.

Silverman, Ph. He is the author of journal articles on… More about Lundy Bancroft. As important as these questions are, they can also distract us from the heart of the problem. Bancroft boldly asks—and brilliantly answers—the most important questions of all: Why do so many men abuse women? What can be done about it? This book is desperately needed and long overdue. His valuable resource covers early warning signs, ten abusive personality types, the abusive mentality, problems with getting help from the legal system, and the long, complex process of change…This is essential reading for those in the helping professions and highly recommended.

Why Does He Do That? The Mystery 2. The Mythology 3. The Abusive Mentality 4. How Abuse Begins 6. The Abusive Man in Everyday Life 7. Abusive Men and Sex 8. Abusive Men and Addiction 9. Abusive Men as Parents Abusive Men and Their Allies The Making of an Abusive Man